Novel Free for a few days

https://www.amazon.com/FOREVER-ENDS-Carol-Hibbs-ebook/dp/B01CTBC0GE

My novel, Forever Ends, will be free from Wednesday, May 9 to Sunday, May 13, 2018.  I’m sharing my novel for free in the hope of more reviews.  A long review isn’t need, and I certainly don’t expect, or want a summary of my book, even a two-word review would be okay.  I hope you enjoy it.  It can be found on Amazon, and if you don’t have a Kindle, you can download a Kindle app on your phone, device or computer. 

Why we'll Never Get Over It

Mother's should never lose their child to death. I often feel lost, even though it's been more than two years since Scott's been taken away from us.

WHY WE WILL NEVER GET OVER IT

Unfortunately bereaved parents get judged often. By those who know us and by those who don’t.

We are often criticized and pathologized for grieving (for remembering our child.) People erroneously think we are stuck, depressed, and/or clinically-something, if we still cry, ache, and miss our child; if we still remember them; if we continue speaking their name and grieving for them– especially if the grieving has been going on “too long.” Too long could mean 3 months, 6 months, a year– a decade, or longer. It couldn’t possibly be healthy to grieve THAT long, right?

Wrong. We will grieve forever because we love forever. There is no end to our love for our child, therefore there is no end to our grief– not in our lifetime, anyway. We will grieve forever. We will never get over it.

The presumption is that since our child’s death happened years ago– a presumably finite event– how are we not over it by now? As if child loss is something you can get over– likening it to something far less horrific that can be conquered if you only try hard enough, think positively, or pull yourself up by the bootstraps. As if it’s a hurdle you can easily jump over, or a roadblock you can simply go around and then move on. As if sunshine, rainbows and unicorns will magically greet you once enough time has passed and you cross into “I’m-over-it” land. This may work for other things, but not child loss.

It’s time to bust a long-standing myth about child loss and grief. There is no getting over it. Child loss is not something you get over. Ever. You don’t get over watching the living, breathing piece of your heart and soul, your flesh and blood, your child– die. It’s simply not. possible. to get over the death of your child. You will grieve the death of your child until your last breath.

It is said that the decision to have a child is “to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” When your child dies your heart is obliterated, broken beyond repair. When your child dies, a huge part of you dies, too. And there is no getting that part back again. Over time you can try to put the pieces of yourself back together again, but they don’t fit the same. There are huge pieces missing, no matter what you do. No matter how long it’s been.

The pain– visible or not– is with us every breath and every step we take, every second of every day. The scars never heal. We are not defined by child loss, but we are certainly marked by it. Forever.

Normal died the day our child did. There is no guidebook for how to survive, or how to grieve. No formula. No roadmap. No start here, end there. The truth is bereaved parents will grieve the loss of their child until their last breath. It may seem confusing why bereaved parents do the things we do; how we’ve chosen to survive and navigate life post-tragedy. From outside of grief, it likely won’t make sense to an onlooker. The good news is, if you don’t understand, breathe a deep sigh of relief and remember one thing: you’re so fortunate you don’t.

Ultimately to understand means to be bereaved. Which we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. We hope no one else truly understands. Ever.

We would have given our life one million times over + infinity to save our child– but, unfortunately we weren’t given that choice. And so, for the rest of our lives, we have to learn how to live with the pain. A pain that is so excruciating, so much like torture, so unimaginable, there’s not even an apt word for it in the English language.

We trip over grief just when we thought we had it contained, figured out, put away, managed. We fall into grief potholes when we least expect it.

We become adept at carrying it, stuffing it, hiding it places. It leaks from our eyes when we least expect it. We sob in the shower, the car, on the bathroom floor. We dry our tears, put our masks back on, so we can move and be and live in the world, to the best of our ability.

Grief steals the person we used to be, and we grieve that, too. The person staring back at us in the mirror becomes almost unrecognizable. We wish we could be who we used to be, too.

We are broken, but there is no fix for our heartache.

We carry it with us, always. Grief exhausts us to the bone. There is no reprieve. No minute, hour, or day off from being a bereaved parent. Once a bereaved parent, always a bereaved parent. There is no going back.

Even during happy or joyful moments, the pain and sadness is always there. A permanent undercurrent, a pulse of pain.

We learn how to carry it all: the joy, the pain, the love, the sadness. Eventually we become an expert at carrying it all.

The moment our child died is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It is the past, the present, and the future. It was not just one finite horrific moment in time that happened last whenever. It is not just the moment, the hour, the second, the millisecond our life became permanently divided into before and after.

You might say, “But she died last year!” Or 10 years ago, or five. No. No, she didn’t.

Our child dies all over again every morning we wake up.
And again every moment they are (yet again) missing.
And again every moment in between.
And again every breath we take.

Our child dies again every moment they are not here with us– for the rest of our lives.

The truth of this fact is almost impossible to express. How many deaths can one parent endure?

For the rest of our lives we will struggle to accept and understand this very fact: our child is dead. And in the incessant replay of our minds our child will keep dying all over again for the rest of our lives.

This is child loss. It is never over. It is always happening. Again and again and again.

We live and relive it. It is now, yesterday, tomorrow– forever.

Just like our love for our child is now, yesterday, tomorrow, forever. It spans both directions. There is no end.

Please remember this next time you hear someone tell a bereaved parent they are dwelling, stuck, depressed, not moving on; that they should just hurry up and get over it– or any other common judgment or misconception. Our pain, our love, and our child cannot be watered down to such phrases, such shallow summations. It does not even begin to capture or express the reality of our day-to-day lives, nor the eternal ache and love in our hearts.

To understand child loss, you have to think about every second, minute, hour, day, month and year a bereaved parent has to live without their precious child– a lifetime— not just the finite moment in time their child died. Every missed milestone, every heart beat, every breath without them, hurts. It hurts now, now and now. It will still be painful 10 and 20 years from now. It will remain an ever-present ache in our heart, soul, mind and body always– until our very last breath.

Child loss is never over. It is a loss that spans a bereaved parent’s entire life.

This is why we will never, ever, get over it. Because “it” is our precious, irreplaceable child. There is no getting over it. There is only love (and pain) to be bravely and courageously carried– for a lifetime.—unknown

Interview with Book Talk Radio Club

The other day I had an interview with Claire Harris Perkins at The Book Talk Radio Club. 
Here's the link if you'd like to listen about my novel, Forever Ends. 
https://www.booktalkradio.info/carol-hibbs

My First Book Review!

I got my first review the other day. What a wonderful review. It brought me up high enough to touch the sky!

https://www.amazon.ca/FOREVER-ENDS-Carol-Hibbs-ebook/dp/B01CTBC0GE

YES TO FOREVER ENDS - TRULY A GREAT READ!

By She Reads and Reviews on December 1, 2017 - Published on Amazon.com

Verified Purchase

Without a doubt, Forever Ends deserves a five-star rating. This is a well-written story. The author, Carol Hibbs, truly captivates you with her very descriptive story telling. She leaves absolutely no holes or guessing when it comes to the connection of characters in retrospect to the story. I love how Carol let's her readers in on the thoughts of the characters when in conversation with one another. You don’t see this from too many authors. I definitely did not expect for the story to go the way it went. When I read the title, Forever Ends, I automatically thought that it would have been a sad love story. This was surely not that. I could tell that, Carol, took her time writing this book. From the development of characters, the scenes, the descriptions, the little small moments and details, to background conversations, Forever Ends, made me feel as if I were seriously reading a movie-script rather than reading a book.

The character, Gabrielle, ultimately exudes a woman of strength and knowing what she wants and it was clear that as much as she was trying to hold back, she definitely wanted Ryan right off bat. At any rate, Gabrielle is very much so aware of who she is and essentially wants the best not only for herself, but for her children, Jason and Payden. I love how Gabrielle only allowed her period of grievance to last just a few days, and a few days only. Her thought process of “OK, I’m going to be down for this short amount of time and then boom… I have to get back in action,” is something we all should instill internally. Basically not allowing ourselves to stay down for too long because we have a purpose to fulfill. Now of course this was not what she said, but this seems to be the mindset she carried. In her mind, the move to Gimli was the perfect move for Gabrielle, but boy oh boy! I was not expecting the amount of twists and turns this story was getting ready to take with the house, Christina, Jason, Payden, Calla, Devin, Tess, Merilyn, and Ryan. I'm sure Gabrielle would have never thought that the move to Gimli would mean: a new relationship, her and her son's utilizing their abilities, dimensional demons, van-guards, a different dimension and what seem to be ghosts appearing and leaving writings on her mirror. Carol took me on a real journey.

Carol did a really great job tugging at our emotions and getting us spooked. I literally felt chills as we read certain parts of the story, especially towards the end. Who would have thought little four-year-old Christina’s story would end the way it did? The revealing of Christina and who and what she was, was the most shocking part of the story. What I thought was obvious in regards to Christina, was not the case. For the life of me, I could not figure out Merilyn and her random appearances, but when I did finally figure her out at the end, my mouth completely dropped to the floor. Now I'm officially curious about Merilyn and her story and am hoping that a spin-off will occur based on Merilyn.

With respect to the author, as much as I want to give an in-depth summarization, I cannot spill much of the story. It is full of surprises that I just have to keep to myself. Forever Ends is an absolute great read. Without a doubt, I recommend Forever Ends.

Free for another day

To celebrate my new book cover, I'm giving my novel for free for another day.

https://www.amazon.ca/FOREVER-ENDS-Carol-Hibbs-ebook/dp/B01CTBC0GE

From Tuktoyaktuk to Newfoundland

We flew to From Tuktoyactuk, NT to Nova Scotia.  We bought a car in NS, or George's brother did, then we paid him the money it had cost.  We spent 4 days there.

We took the ferry from North Sydney, NS to Port Aux Basques, NL.  The ferry trip was smooth.  I was worried I'd get sea sick, but everything was okay.  We managed to get a cabin but didn't get a lot of sleep, since the ferry took off just after midnight and we woke up at 6.

We drove from Port Aux to St. Andrews to visit with George's aunt and uncle.  Luckily they fed us tea and breakfast.  After that we drove to Badger.  We spent a few nights at a really crappy hotel in Badger, because George's house had a flood last year and we need to do some work in the house before we can live in it for the summer...maybe next summer we'll get the work done.  We bought a motor home and parked it in George's driveway...or the spot in between his driveway and his cousin's driveway.  We have the water hooked up to George's cousin, Patricia's house, and the electricity plugged into George's.  

The motor home is convenient...or so we hoped it would be.  The heat and air conditioning doesn't work and we can't get the hot water to work...so...sigh.  We're using Patricia's shower everyday.  

My back is so sore and you can't buy a massage mat in Cenral Newfoundland.  We bought a Proactive Thera 3 kit.  It helps but it's not as good as my mat.  George has a severe heat rash under his arm.  We picked up cream for him today.  So, we're both in pain and George doesn't like driving the motor home.  It seemed like a good idea at the time...it really did.  We don't have internet, other than our cellular data.  It'll probably cost extra when we get our bill.  

Yesterday was George's birthday.  We went to Friends' house, Sheldon and Bonnie's.  it was a  really nice evening.

Newfoundland is a beautiful province.  

We were on the highway and saw this fellow.  We stopped to take his picture.  He looked right at me too.  That's supposed to be good luck.  

We have a little less than 4 weeks left in Newfoundland.  Hopefully things will get easier.  From what I've learned over the past few years; anything worthwhile isn't easy.

I'll post more pictures later.  

Life in the Arctic: 9 months

It’s been a long, cold and completely brutal winter.  You would think with such bitter temperatures like -50 we wouldn’t get snow…but we did.  A lot of snow.  We continuously got snowed in.  It took me hours to shovel, just to get up the next morning and start shoveling again.  So often the car got stuck in the snow.  The people here in Tuktoyaktuk are so kind and giving.  It didn’t take long before people were pushing us out of the snow drifts.  We bought a truck with 4-wheel drive.  That’s easier to get through the snow with.  We drove to Inuvik to pick it up, after it was driven from Prince George, BC.  George drove the car and I drove the truck, on the ice road, home. 

Shortly after that we moved into a new house, a smaller house, but warmer house.  A house right next door to one of the stores.  Will is happy about that, but he’s sick of moving.  This is our third move in a year.  This is George’s 5^th move in the last 2 years.  We’re all sick of moving.  My life has been occupied by packing and unpacking over the last 12 months.  I haven’t done much writing, work on the site, cooking, or baking, or knitting.  I’m still unpacking and trying to squeeze everything in place.  We’ve sold and donated a lot of items.  I doubt we’re finished down-sizing yet.  I won’t have to shovel as much next winter, if we get a lot of snow.  From what I was told, Tuktoyaktuk doesn’t get a lot of snow.  But for us it was insane, and I felt it was inhumane to have to suffer a winter here.  Part of me feels it’s still inhumane.  There are only two stores.  There isn’t a chiropractor, massage therapist, someone who does acupressure…I can live without restaurants, but after traveling to Inuvik for a week, then going to Yellowknife for a few days, my back is so sore.  I’ve stayed in 3 hotels in Northwest Territories.  All the beds and pillows are the same, they’re all like Super 8s.  Good thing I have a massage mat…

People in Northwest Territories are extremely friendly and very helpful, I get the feeling everyone feels that we’re all in this together.  Everyone is open to lend a hand. 
We drove to Aklavik, on the ice-road recently.  That was a long drive.  What was nice to see was the Robertson’s Mountain.  We also drove down the ice-road to see the annual reindeer crossing.  This is the last year for the ice-road, because they’re constructing a highway.  I heard that’ll take 4 years before the highway is going to be easy to travel, because of mud and such.  I also heard to we won’t be able to fly out of Tuktoyaktuk once the highway is completed. 

We’re flying out July 3^rd to go to Nova Scotia and Newfoundland.  Will isn’t coming with us.  He’s looking forward to having the summer all to himself.  We’ll be back in August.  Hopefully someday we’ll drive to Newfoundland and back.  That would be and adventure.  It would still be tiring though.  I think I’ll make appointments with a massage therapist is NL this summer.  That’ll be great.  So would traveling all of the Northwest Territories and The Yukon...if I can find a decent hotel. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bzQBr7-nIQ